Unashamed

Not doing very much leads to way too much thinking. Maybe time well spent, but maybe somethings don't need that much attention. This is the kind of day I've been having.

The day before I came up here I was watching the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Awesome movie. And the section where Lena (Alexis Bedal) finally lets go of her modesty and learns to let things in is one of my favorite parts of the whole movie. In case you don't know the story, she meets a guy (Kostas) when she goes to visit her grand-parents in Greece. Kostas' parents died when he was 12 and he lives with his grandfather there in Greece. Another tradegty in the movie is that one of Lena's best friends Bridgette's mother killed herself. And when Lena has this moment where her whole life turns around she says "I don't understand how people like Bridgette and Kostas who have lost everything can still be so open to love, and I, who have lost nothing can not."

Something made me think about this today. I'm kind of like Lena. Not because of love, but about my beliefs. God, Jesus, and worship are the most important things in my life. And I pratice them every single day... praying, reading the word. But why can't I tell people about it. Sure, I told loads of people about it when I was running Quest in my school. But I didn't know any of them. But I had other Christians right next to me, who could answer anything that I was too arfiad to say. Sure I did a session last year at Youth Together about Quest, but to a room of people I knew believed what I believed, and a room full of people I had never met before.
Why is it so much harder to tell people who I know and love about my faith. I hate it when I have to pray in church (especially when my mom is there) but I do it anyway because I know I shouldn't care. But that dosn't change how much I hate it.
Why is it at SNAC or bible study when people I care about the most are there, I hate praying out loud or doing devotions? Its the dumbest thing ever. I know these people. They know me. Before we pray I actually say in my head "Please Val, don't pick me, don't pick me" but she does alot. They think the same things I do about God. They pratice their faith just as much as I do. So why do I care so much?
People appriciate you speaking out. Well, I know I appriciate it when others do. It makes me proud to know how strong others are in their faith.

Its the people I care the most about, and who mean the most to me who I can't express the most important aspect of my life to. There's something wrong with that picture. You think it would be harder to tell strangers about your beliefs. But I find that the easiest thing ever. Again... why??

Maybe its because I'm afraid I'll mess up. I know that infront of at least one person in particular I think that I have to do everything just right for them to appriciate me. And doing it like that is for the wrong reasons. Who cares what others think. I'm speaking out in my faith because I love God. And I want to serve him however I am. People will like you for you. You can't change who you are. How much does it take to really realize that?

I don't even know if this is what people think this about me. Because they just see the outside me. Who speaks in church, and prays in bible study. They don't see the inside me who is too arfaid to say no when someone asks me to speak out.

I can't talk to it around Dad, Mom, Grand-Parents, Uncles... Aunts, Cousins, Friends, best Friends. I'm ashamed. And thats the worst thing I could ever be.

I only started thinking this last night. I guess it was always there, but I ignored it. The thought never crossed my mind before that i'm actually afraid. I just went along with how much I didn't like it. But I don't like not liking it. I want people to know how much I love what I believe. Because I do SOOOO much.

I guess its good that I came to realize this. Now I can fix it.

I need to jump into the ocean like Lena. I need to get over this stupid roadblock. And I will, soon enough.

"I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy,
To Call upon your name.
But because of grace,
because of your Mercy,
I stand here unashamed"